wabi-sabi

left foot, right foot...and a skip here and there

 
First things first...From the bottom of my heart...thank you, thank you, thank you.
I have come to realize that I have a very rich 'cyber' social life, which exists of wonderful, creative, supportive (and funny!) women within a vast network of blogs. And, most importantly, no matter what I am faced with, I am not alone.You have filled-in so many of my empty spaces with your kindness. offered extraordinary (heartwarming) encouragement and endless inspiration. I am forever grateful! How I wish you all could live close by!  How I would love to meet all of you face to face!  My door will always be open to you all.

I have read and re-read and highlighted your posts and emails...and will respond soon individually. It seems that one common thread in my life has been education... as a catalyst...a stepping stone for change. I realized that I am most happy, content, 'jazzed,' energetic and on a creative 'high' after I've taken a class (or taught one!),  attended a workshop or, lately, met with the newly formed Bay Area Art Sisters. (OMG! It took me weeks to 'come down' from ArtFest!). So...back to the classroom for me. Not for another degree, but as a source of motivation...to move and not wallow...and as a guaranteed, once a week, time away, from housework and kids.

When I gave grad lectures on creating change, I used to give a *'steps to hell' analogy:  Loosely stated, there is heaven and there is hell.  If you aren't on your way up or down, you're in limbo... Purgatory...a state of suffering. When you are stuck, not making a decision, not making a move, not on your way in any direction in your life, career, marriage, etc. . .. you are in limbo...doing nothing...going no where. And, to many, it feels like a punishment. So, doesn't it make sense that any move you make...right, wrong, positive, negative...is a step away from limbo? One step away from suffering?

One step. That's all it takes.

I'm still not sure how to get from point A to point B...but I think I know where to start.

*(for all of of you who are Catholic out there...please forgive my simplification of this very complex concept!)

transitions

When it's hot, I try to find things I can do that require a minimum of movement...I sort...bills, papers, pictures. I found this picture in a box of old school papers and family letters. It's me at, I'm guessing, age 13. I believe this was at a summer cabin in Port Clinton, Ohio,  a tiny resort town on the coast of Lake Erie.

I am haunted by this girl. I must have taken this picture out a hundred times over the last few days...looking for clues to who she was and what has happened to her in the years that followed. Her long arms and fingers, her thick, mop of hair...But mostly her serene demeanor. Everything about her seems uncomplicated...tranquil. I miss her.

I have been at a crossroads for a very long time, unable to find my path. There was a time when I knew where I was going and my purpose was clear. I was successful and well on my way. Then came the changes...good ones...but a complete departure from my well-defined path. I left my career to stay home and raise two littles. I've been rolling with the changes ever since with no sense of direction, no defined path and an uncertain future. This, going into the upside of my 50's and I haven't a clue how to go about making a change...or what that change could be for that matter. ME...the counselor...the one who can enlighten and lead everyone else towards their goals and I can't figure it out for myself. I was a life coach...and here I am trying to 'fix' my broken path...and I suck at it. I am so freakin' lost.

I cannot tell you who I see in my mirror.

Last spring a young gal, well known nationally as a scrapbooker, shifted gears and became a professional photographer. I asked her if she still scrapbooked and why she 'left' the business.  Without a blink,her response was immediate, "I still scrapbook, but I felt it wasn't contributing to my family the way I needed it to.  Photography will help my family more." Her words really hit me between the eyes. She knew what she needed to do and how to do it. Clear goals. Clear purpose. I need to help my family...I need to prepare for their future and for our/my (and I use the term loosely), retirement.

In a nutshell: I need to find a 'work' where I can feel like I am making a contribution to my family's present and future needs...feel like I have meaning, be creative, have purpose. I have nebulous thoughts and imaginings with no hard definition, description  or substance...and certainly no way to get from nameless point 'A 'to  nameless point 'B.' I want to be among the women who teach, create and sell...with passion and purpose.

My background is in education and counseling...my heart is in art, but with no formal degree. I can call myself an educator...because I worked long, hard hours and made the sacrifices to get the piece of paper (several damn pieces of paper!) that says I am.  But..I find it hard to call myself an artist...I have no proof. I am at a place where I either find my 'niche' in art and start earning...or become a hobbyist, putting art on the back burner and look for something else. Either way, I have no idea WHERE to even begin. Like I said, as a life coach to myself...I have failed miserably...That said, I feel like I have failed my family as well.

So...Here I am. Fifty-five, well educated, undefined, without a path. Clueless. Struggling. Sinking.

I am not that girl in the picture anymore.

...and I'd like thank the Academy...

I must be 20degrees cooler than yesterday...We've been granted a reprieve from the heat...thank goodness!
I have along list to tackle with things to get done while the weather allows...until then...

I woke to find a surprise blog nomination from my friend Robyn, a brilliant artist and wood carver from South Africa. Please, go visit her site and scan through the posts. Her carvings are extraordinary! She has monkeys in her trees and wakes up to screeching Ha-de-Das birds...and thought provoking posts on creativity and art-making.



Here are the rules:

1.Put the logo on your blog

2.Add a link to the person who nominated you

3.Nominate at least 7 other blogs
4.Add links to those blogs on your blog
5.Leave a message for your nominees on their blogs

Ok. So there are rules to this game 'eh? It's hard to pick just 7 blogs from the hundreds that I visit! (ohhh gosh..there are SO many more than the list of links to the left!!)

1. Amy

2. Linda Woods

3. MIchelle Geller

4. Molly Newman

5. Kecia (K...I can't access your blog to leave a message...it locks up each time I try...sigh!)

6. Kelly Rae Roberts

7. Liz Elayne Lamoreux

48 hours and counting

Two of three jars we made today! She counted bay leaves, pulled apart garlic, helped make a magic potion of allspice, corriander and fennel seeds...We packed our jars and said our best "Abracadabra!"
Given that the only two cool, dark places are the downstairs bathroom and the formal dining room, we chose the latter for storing them.

So...lights out! In 48 hours or so, we'll see if our magic worked!

When life gives you lemons...

108 degrees in our back yard yesterday.
104 so far today at 3 o'clock
The fires are not even close to being contained. A new fire north of here...10,000 evacuated...out of control.

The kids can go out and swim for a bit, but it's still too hot for them to be in the sun. We've been finding ways to stay cool inside. I really like the concept of siesta...sleeping during the heat of the day...but my kids will have nothing to do with it!
When you're given an abundance of lemons...Make pie!  (preferably after the sun goes down!) We have a Eureka lemon tree that produces bushels of softball sized fruit. At Lauren's request (again!)...lemon merengue pie. The first slice 'snitched' before it was even cool!

Props to my husband who brought home a portable air conditioner that can be wheeled from room to room. It looks a bit like R2D2 from Star Wars! We now have a 'cool room' to  escape to when the heat becomes overwhelming. It's heaven!!

Pickle Update

I found a recipe for Arthur Schwartz's Kosher Dill Pickles on  this blog: David Lebovitz.
The recipe sounds right. They look right. The diy pictures really help. And, if they taste crappy, I can mini- vent in his 'comments'!!

Great confessions here...I am NOT a foodie. I don't like to cook. There!  I said it. I am officially out of the closet cum kitchen. I like reading about the gourmet adventures of other culinarily blessed cyber buddies, but when it comes down to me making those recipes in my kitchen??? Yeah..right. Like I really have a jar of capers or saffron or cooking sherry in my kitchen?  Don't get me wrong, I like 'whole' food...fresh stuff. It's just that I like to GROW it...not COOK it!  I'm not a packaged mix kinda girl (except for Kraft mac n cheese which they BEG me to make).  Thanksgiving turkey is a hoot...cupcakes are once-upon-a-birthday are fun...and I'm good at it. I just don't like it. No love lost here. There...I feel SO much better. I can unhitch the guilt wagon.

So...back to the pickles.
Wish me luck!

Calling all Pickle Professionals!!!

I have a crop of pickling cucumbers ready for harvest and pickle-making, per the request of our resident artist and pickle connoisseur, Lauren. I know I can Google just about anyting under the sun, including pickle-making, but...
Does anyone out there have a tried and true recipe for pickles??? 
Email me or leave a comment...pretty please???

ps
preferably the kosher dill type...

fatbook puttering

It's a 'spare the air' day here. Temps are on the rise...The smoke from the fires has shifted our way. As of last night at 11 o'clock, there were 300 fires burning in CA. CDF (California Department of Fire and Forestry) predicts it will be another 2-3 weeks before the Big Sur fire is out if the weather and winds cooperate. Until then, none of us travels too far without Albuterol.

One of the gals from ArtFest Dorm 202 is hosting a 4x4 fatbook 'reunion' with about 40 gals participating...I've been puttering around making the background and working on the pages. Still not quite done...they still  look 'cheesy' to me...needs shading and a few 'marks' here and there,  but you get the idea (hey...a girl's gotta have a little element of mystery 'eh??). Anahata Katkin (see her link on the left)  taught a mandalas class that I would have loved to take, but felt totally (miserably, completely, wretchedly) inadequate to try. Sometimes my brain just gets in the way of progress.

        "This was a class that I was too afraid to take...I am not that girl anymore."

Artist in residence

While unpacking and mucking- out the kids' rooms last week, I came across this treasure in Lauren's room...

Tucked in a small, red backpack were stubs of oil pastels, colored pencils and...a 5x7 sketch journal, filled with pictures...captured visions of our long drive to L.A...the first page was a figure with a circle and 'slash through' drawn over it ...the 8yr old version of 'Do Not Enter'...but I managed to scan this beauty as fast as I could and put the journal back in its place. This...is exactly what we saw along the drive...grasses along rolling hills, dried -to -a- crisp -yellow, for miles and miles. That she saw all the different yellows and golds is remarkable!

Last one (promise)

A few random sights out of a gazillion photos. Now L.A. is really not that big...and where we were wasn't really  'Los Angeles' the city, but rather Hollywood, West Hollywood, Universal City, Beverly Hills and the beach at Santa Monica...then there are the neighborhoods like Fairfax, Melrose, Sunset. It really is quite a playground! Sometimes surreal and over-the-top (WAY over!), but underneath, there is a kind heart.

It's fun to get away from home every now and then, but I am a homebody...maybe out of necessity, but still...it's good to be back! While we returned to a smoke-free valley, the fires are still raging with a vengeance in Big Sur with the winds blowing south along the coast. For a little while at least, we are breathing easier and able to go outside.