Out of My Head

Waking-up

Out of nowhere a name came into my head today, a photographer/scrapbooker who I haven't thought about in years. To be honest, I couldn't remember her name. I  used to read her blog religiously! In trying to figure out her name, I checked my old blog's 'quick links.' I read her latest post, shocked at how much time had passed. Kids who grew-up and graduated, family trips, holidays...years of events in the life of this person I'd forgotten.  I clicked the links of other long, lost bloggers and read until my eyes couldn't take anymore screen time.

Then I looked at the last post from my own, (sorely neglected!) blog page...the last post November 2011. Little did I know...

I've been out- of- the -loop going on 4 years. It's like waking-up after a long nightmare.

Thanksgiving

12:02a.m. It is officially Thanksgiving 2011 and very possibly the end of my marriage or the first steps to repair the damage. Over the last few years he's left such a wide path of destruction, I'm not sure 'repair' is possible. Ironically, it was on Thanksgiving day when he called and asked  me out on our first date. And, even more ironic  that we went wine tasting (only later to find that whiskey is his beverage of choice).

I love this holiday. It's really the only time I LOVE to cook...The bigger the crowd the better!  I used to love this holiday until each year became an anxious game of walking on eggshells, not knowing when the bomb would drop.  In his typical booming-so-loud-the-neighbors-can hear, threatening voice he announced that he was taking the turkey and all the trappings to his parents' home tomorrow.  I'm glad in a way...relieved. I couldn't bring myself to go through the motions and pretend. Stress so thick you could cut it with a knife. The kids and I will go to my oldest daughter's for dinner. And after all is done, we'll come home and walk on eggshells...again.

I've been holding things together for years now...out of fear for what it will do to the girls...out of determination to keep the family together...out of hope that we might have a chance at being a healthy family. Maybe it's time to let go...

 

Back to the blogosphere

It's been a while. I've been away much longer than I anticipated. After my last post, I'd decided to quit blogging and Facebook for a bit, thinking I could spend my time in more productive ways. To be honest, all those moments I thought would be filled with meaningful activities just created a void quckly filled with more pointless busyness (housecleaning, shuttle service for kids, blah, blah, blah).  I missed writing. I missed connecting with friends on Facebook, even when it meant communicating in snippets and fragmented thoughts.

With the exception of journaling (my 'prozac'!), there hasn't been much art-making for the last few months...at least not the fabric, paper, paint kind. It's always been a dream of mine to create a backyard 'secret' garden....Slowly  getting rid of all the grass, making way for flowers and veggies and quiet, restful cubbies. Here's a view of the progress this year....

two of my helpers...digging out broken water pipes

beginning stages..grass stripped; playing with curves using stones; grading dirt, marking sprinklers (what a pain that was!),  a few plants transplanted to be moved again later...CanI just say how much I LOVE my rototiller?!

the opposite corner...if i had my way there would be NO grass...but two grandbabies need some grass to play!

starting to take shape!

sod is in...transplants settling nicely, seeds scattered, a few new fruit trees in, and 
a swing!

still needs work...stonework and seating around lemon tree; the opposite corner seating area will have some kind of water installation; I'm jonesin' for an apricot tree...

anxious to add water back in this corner and some plantings...it's quiet and cool back here!

My little bit of heaven...or at least a start!  I used mostly seed this year (lots of surprises when scattering a mix!),  a few perenials, another lemon tree, 2 pomegranates, pear, cherry, clementine, grapefruit...next year, the addition of a large plot for veggies!!!

More blogging to come. It's nice to be back.

xxoo